You know, I have seriously been pulled over more times since I moved to Heflin than I have in my entire life in Shreveport. Interestingly enough, it's all but once been on the same road.

Here's a rundown:

1. I was moving my cats from Shreveport to Heflin. They were escaping their carriers and howling endlessly. I was trying to get home, and I guess driving over 55 in a town that is barely over that in population size is a serious crime. They saw my ID that said I was from Shreveport, gave me a rundown of all the speed traps and let me go.

2. (about 2 weeks later) Same spot. I was listening to the Beastie Boys... I drove 60. Sue me.

3. I was dashing to get to a softball game with my boyfriend and his youngest daughter. I was pulled over in a 45 mi zone, going I guess 55. HA. Anyway, there wasn't even anywhere to pull over, so I hopped a curve, scraped my new car all to hear some hick boy say: "Wow... I can't believe you were driving that fast! You would have been going 45 in that CURVE!!!"

.... Seriously? Look, dude, when you can merge from Market to I-20 on the curve that looks like you are about to be one with Superman- then you can talk to me about curves. Whatever.

4. I was taking my boyfriend's daughter who has a cancerous brain tumor to the hospital. She had a ridiculously high fever and we were busting it trying to get there. I passed a cop, who had pulled someone else over and appeared to be in the middle of someone else's business when I saw some big lights behind me, on my tail. I said some not so nice things about the dude behind me who was riding my tail while I was obviously in a serious hurry and didn't need that crap but was STILL going a reasonable speed. And then, the big blue lights go crazy. At this point, I am livid. All these po-dunk-hill-billy-got-nothing-else-to-do-Barney-Fife's-with-guns are gonna make me come walk out to their car to, "See what I am in such a hurry about," dudes... I HAVE HAD ENOUGH.

So, when he asked me, "Ma'am, I pulled you over trying to see what you were doing and why you were going so fast," I responded:

First of all, you were on my tail and I felt bullied on the road to speed up.

Second of all, I have a sick child with 102 degree fever who just HAPPENS to have BRAIN CANCER and I am trying to take to LSU so she doesn't DIE... while I am being pulled over, just to have a conversation with YOU... SOOOOO... How is YOUR night?!"

He let me go.

I am so done.