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Chris Brown Failed a Drug Test But It Probably Won’t Matter

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David McNew, Getty Images

In the biggest surprise since learning Santa Claus just might be mythical, chick-beater and member of the He-Man Woman Hater’s Club Chris Brown failed a drug test — a violation of his probation that could land him in the slammer.

But if that happens, it seems Rihanna would likely be among the list of people visiting him behind an inch of glass on Sundays.

Breezy is on probation for the brutal 2009 beating of then-girlfriend (and, according to the rumor-mill, current hook-up) RiRi, but because he’s rich and famous and stuff, he’s been doing community service in his hometown of Richmond, Va. instead of wearing a florescent orange jumpsuit and breaking rocks in a chain gang like he should be.

Before his probation hearing on Monday, he tweeted:

Then his very famous victim wished him luck with her own tweet, because she’s polite and forgiving and clearly damaged in the head. He retweeted her good wishes and thanked her for being such a textbook case of Stockholm Syndrome:

Alas, all that nauseating foreplay was for naught. After testing positive for using weed, he tried to explain it away by saying he has a medical marijuana card in California and that’s where he got high.

But since he doesn’t have cancer or MS or any of the other conditions that medical pot legitimately benefits, the judge called shenanigans.

“You are not only in the public eye, but you’re on probation,” said Superior Court Judge Patricia Schnegg. “And you’re on probation to me which means that if you violate any laws or orders, then you’re subject to a probation violation. So you’re not an ordinary person who just sits there and does what they want.”

Up next: A probation violation hearing on Nov. 1, during which his high-priced attorneys will likely once again find a way for him to escape the clutches of justice. Yay, American jurisprudence!

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