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Confusing Wedding Lingo That Grooms Just Don’t Get

I’m getting married on June 21st. Holly my fiance is keeping me in the loop about what’s going on. I smile and say “Wow, that sounds great!” a lot. But I secretly have no clue what she’s talking about. Tulle, fondant, table runner, fascinator … I had no clue I needed to learn a whole new language when I proposed! Here’s a list of wedding terms and their meanings and what guys THINK they mean.

You say: Tulle.
They hear: Tool. Possibly the knife used to cut the wedding cake.
Explain it: A light, mesh-like fabric used for anything from decorating to dresses.

You say: Fondant.
They hear: Fondue.
Explain it: A thick icing that can be molded and sculpted. Not made out of cheese.

You say: Blusher.
They hear: Makeup. Or something you do when you’re embarrassed. Are you mad?
Explain it: A short veil that usually covers just the face.

You say: FAB Minimum.
They hear: Fabulous.
Explain it: The minimum amount of food and beverages you must pay for when contracting with a vendor.

You say: Table runner.
They hear: “Blade Runner.” Was Harrison Ford a replicant?
Explain it: A long strip of cloth that goes down the center of a table for decoration.

You say: Boudoir session.
They hear: Honeymoon!
Explain it: A photo session where the bride poses provocatively as a present for her fiancé.

You say: Fascinator.
They hear: Something you can’t stop staring at.
Explain it: A cluster of ribbons and/or feathers worn as a hair decoration. Sometimes paired with a blusher (see above).

You say: Jack and Jill.
They hear: Went up the Hill. Wait, what?
Explain it: A co-ed bridal shower.

You say: Empire waist.
They hear: Empire State Building.
Explain it: A dress where the skirt attaches high above the waist.

You say: Sweetheart neckline.
They hear: A necklace, maybe? That they were supposed to give you? Are you mad?
Explain it: When the top edge of a dress is curved like the top of a heart.

You say: Recession.
They hear: The economy is really bad.
Explain it: When the bride, groom, and the rest of the wedding party walks back up the aisle at the end of the ceremony.

You say: Shantung.
They hear: Gesundheit!
Explain it: A heavy fabric, often made of silk, with a nubby finish.


If you need me you’ll find me near the punch bowl. I understand booze.

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