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We Watched Corey Feldman’s ‘Ascension Millennium’ Video So You Didn’t Have To [TIMELINE]

Corey Feldman, of ’80s child-star fame, has a music video out that makes us super uncomfortable. Why? We really thought the phrase “Corey Feldman music video” was enough for you, but since you must know, we’ll break it down for you.

So to save your eyeballs the horror, here is a timeline of all the pertinent points (including one amazing cameo) in Feldman’s new music video for the song ‘Ascension Millennium.’ (Yeah, we have no idea what that means either.)

:04 — Corey Feldman wakes up with someone too attractive for Corey Feldman

:07 — “Acting”

:17 — Close-up on robe that reveals possible ties to the Illuminati

:20 — Side boob

:36 — That’s not how showers work

:38 — “Lip-syncing”

:47 — Dude, are you wearing eyeliner? You do know you’re Corey Feldman, right?

:54 — Gratuitous lingerie shot

1:01 — Angel dressed in lingerie

1:12 — How much angel boob is in this thing?

1:14 — Corey Feldman dons his best Michael Jackson outfit

1:19 — It’s so hard to lip-sync and put gloves on at the same time

1:36 — Sean Astin cameo. This is not a drill, we repeat, THIS IS NOT A DRILL!

1:46 — Nod to ‘The Goonies,’ making this suddenly the best video of all time

1:55 — Product placement from lady Gary Coleman

2:08 — More boobs

2:24 – Suspension of disbelief that Corey Feldman hangs out at college parties

2:39 — Fedora-themed dance party

2:47 – Impromptu MJ “dance” number, discomfort level spiking

3:23 — Swedish Chef

3:33 – Is that really how you use a remote control?

3:55 — Band practice

4:02 — Band practice breaks the walls of reality

4:04 — Green screens everywhere scream in agony

4:16 – This song might only have two words: “ascension” and “millennium”

4:32 — Reality reasserts itself

4:40 — What? You don’t wear sparkly pants to bed?

4:46 — Fade to black

Now if you’ll excuse us, we have a lobotomy to give ourselves.

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