How To Eat All Of The Thanksgiving

It happens every year, or at least it does to me.  I'm talking about overeating at Thanksgiving.  More like Heartburnsgiving, am I right?  There's no way one person can take on the whole meal, is there (he asked knowingly)?

I am here to tell you that the seemingly unreachable goal can be attained!  It's all about strategy.  This time I've got science to back me up, more specifically Popular Science.

As it turns out, the problem has always been the crowning jewel of the meal - the turkey. I think that most of us view thanksgiving like some sort of primitive ritual.  Like, the more turkey inside of you - the more Thanksgiving spirit emanates from you.  This is simply not the case.  Science clearly states that the maximum achievable Thanksgiving spirit (1.21 Giga-Thanks per second) is attained through the sheer volume of Thanksgiving foods in your stomach during the Cowboys game.

Step one is to prepare.  Do hit the playing field with an empty stomach.  Don't starve yourself.  If you deny yourself food for too long, you will eat too fast.  This will put useless air in your precious food space.

Start with the carbs.  Then, and only then, load the turkey onto your plate.  Also, delay your consumption of fiber-rich foods like veggies and whole grains.  They end up soaking up liquids and weighing you down more.  There's no time for this, we have to make it to dessert!

Take Breaks.  The food bag inside your body (liver, kidney, ...stomach?  It's one of those) is super stretchy.  How stretchy?  How about a maximum volume of two to four liters?  But, once you've packed that thing full - it's over, right?  Wrong!  As your packing for your long trip to sleepy town via the recliner express, your stomach is processing all of the giblet-coated goodness you've already packed away.  So, if you feel like you just can't finish - hit the pause button.  In just a few minutes, you can be back in the fight (meal)!

Recovery.  This is the most important, and easiest, part of the mission.  Look back over the gastrointestinal destruction you've left in your wake and revel in your glory.  Rarely has a human encountered such victory at the Thanksgiving table.  Bask in the warming glow of the food coma induced by your dominance at the Battle of the Bird.  As you drift away from consciousness, you hear a familiar voice saying something about taking out the trash.  You needn't worry, such mundane tasks are for the salad eaters and single platers.