The King Is Dead!

Our long national nightmare is over!

Burger King announced Friday that they will retire "The King" mascot in an effort to combat faltering sales. The chain is set to roll out a new campaign Saturday focusing on fresh ingredients and new products such as the California Whopper, which contains guacamole (Bitchin'!).

The company says the mascot may return in the future in a different form. In the meantime, paper crowns will remain in stores, while I will continue to sleep with a baseball bat by my side, just in case...