5 Things You Should Never Say To Your Wife

I've learned a few things in my years on this Earth.  It's OK to not have all the answers, the best things in life are free, and the butter side of the toast has to land on the floor to keep the delicate balance of the universe.

Here are the most important things I've learned.  5 things you should never say to a woman.

1.  You should calm down.   This is equivalent to shoving firecrackers in your pants, lighting the fuse, then acting surprised in the emergency room while you try to explain the situation to the team of surgeons assigned to putting you back together again.

2.  What did you do to your hair?  Technically, there is a way to ask this and come out on top.  Unless you are Casanova, don't try this out without expecting backlash.  Or backhand.  Just make sure you love whatever it is she did to her hair.  It's perfect.

3. You're crazy!  If she is, she will become more so instantly.  If she isn't, she will be instantly.  This is like taking a bet about how that tiger won't eat you.  Even if you're right, it's still proof that you are the crazy.

4. You sound like your mother / father!  Once again, unless you can say this like a compliment (you can't) - don't try this.  If you can somehow say this as a compliment - it will be the weirdest compliment ever.

5. My ex used to...  Just stop talking altogether.  You are terrible at this.  I want you to communicate solely with emoticons from this point forward.  Comparing your wife or girlfriend to someone you used to be with means, 100%, that you are still thinking about that person.

Stay away from these phrases.  Honestly, if you didn't know that - I feel like you need some other advice as well.  Like don't eat fire, or - keep your hands out of the garbage disposal.  Good luck (you need it).