Ahhh! Redneck Dressage has become my new passion. A creative outlet if you will. I hope you're enjoying them as much as I enjoy writing them!

Redneck Dressage - Open

Redneck Dressage - Part Deux

Redneck Dressage - Part Trois - Trail Riding

Redneck Dressage - Part Quatre - 50 Shades

Redneck Dressage Part CINQ - WORK

Who ever thought having horses was idyllic was totally misinformed. While there are plenty of cute babies and fat ponies, it’s nothing like you see pictured in calendars. They’re a lot of work… No matter where you live. Being an Air Force brat, I’m intimately acquainted. It doesn’t matter if you board or do self care. Listen to me… It’s a TON of work.

In Louisiana, you sweat through your helmet and half chaps in a matter of minutes. Generally, you’re drenched before you ever get on. Five minutes into a ride, I’m already mopping the sweat off my face with whatever t-shirt was unfortunate enough to be on the top of the stack. But don’t worry, it alone won’t be fouled, as any rider in the South knows, you bring 1-2 extras every time you head to the barn. Horses AREN’T glamorous. Remember, the horse ALWAYS comes first, so you tend to their needs before your own. That includes feeding, mucking, watering, doctoring, etc… Between dust, hay, slobber and rinsing/cooling your horse after your ride, you leave the barn a mess. This includes sand boogers and contact lenses dried to your eye balls. Without fail, that’s when your cell rings and your husband says you can’t possibly come home without running by the store first.

Going to the store in riding clothes is a dicey affair. We live near a racetrack, so people aren’t totally without knowledge of boots and breeches, but when they see me, they do a double take. I’m clearly way too big to be a jockey or even exercise race horses. There’s just something creepy about people starring at you in what amounts to full length, skin tight bike shorts with a patch of leather on your butt. It’s like a visual bull’s eye. Every bulge and ripple is on display. You’d think manufacturers would have come up with better fabric blends by now, but even if they had, I can guarantee they’d be too hot to wear in the South during the heat of Summer.

Riding up North has its issues, too. I remember stabling in Upper Michigan as a child. It was as close to perfect as it gets during the Summer months, but people forget to tell you that you have to pull shoes by late September. Anyone who has ever tried to get a packed ball of ice out of a horses hoof can testify to this. You think you’re in the lap of luxury with an indoor, heated ring until the snow and ice starts to slide off the roof and crash to the ground as it thaws during your ride. Hello rodeo! At least when you fall, you’ve got on layers for a bit of extra cushion.

Plus, vet bills and cleaning stalls are anything but idyllic. Here’s a pitchfork if you don’t believe me.